the things we say aloud

last night, there you were again.

in a parking lot with a jump ramp in the middle of a busy city.  how do you get in that way?  (you don't.) you find the secret entrance around the corner.  look for your car, it is hidden but i know it is there.  i drive you to it. . .just a little farther. . .i can make it from here, you say, so i still never see it.  i wonder what you are driving these days but don't ask.  we both step out of my car awkwardly (only i am the one that is awkward).   you give me a sympathetic hug.  a no expectations hug.  but i am not relieved, really.  i'm not anything.

i wake groggy.  try to figure out all that has been left unsaid and all that has been shown.

so loud.

solid soup

Carter said  thank you today.  Said thank you for the soup, that was good.  Thank you for the Nyquil.  I said it is because I love you.  So so much!  This is true, but there was something in the thanking that I didn’t know I needed to hear.  So nice, so home.  I realize he is watching me in the up and down.  Phone call after phone call.  Pause the show, stir the soup.  Sit down, stand up.  My ripples don’t rock his boat.  My movements don’t disturb him.  He sits still, like a rock.  He takes it in.  He puts away the dishes and comes to the door to say goodbye.  He is here, in the knowing.  He will be here when I return.  He is: solid.  

out.side

so, karen and i were just talking today about how sometimes you just can't find that balance in the world. about how you reach that 'wtf' moment where you wonder when it's going to just stop being so crazy.  and then this happened when i was leaving shelter and two of our young ladies were outside smoking a cigarette and finishing their outside chore. . .

fancy red car cruises by shelter

girl: 'did you see that mexican slow down and try to pick me up just now?  really, dude?  outside of shelter?  what an idiot.  he doesn't even remember that last time i robbed him of $500 dollars.'

me: raised eyebrows, sucking in my breath, bending over in a long sigh (sometimes you just don't have words)

girl: 'what? i'm not going to suck anyone's dick for $20 bucks.  so i stuck a knife to his balls and robbed him of his rent money'

long pause

me: 'on that note. .  .'

girl laughing and tossing her cigarette: 'goodnight mel!'

ho.ly shit.  

and the crazy thing is that this wasn't the most awful thing i heard tonight.  in passing, like just another story.  harm reduction.  teachable moment.  holder of stories.  

sometimes you just take one to the gut and drive yourself away